How to cope with the loss of a pet

“I will never feel okay again,” I remember thinking when my vet called to tell me that my cat Lucy died during what was supposed to be a low-risk surgery. I cried for hours until I fell asleep, then started up again when I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that, for the first time in a decade, there was no Lucy curled up against me in bed. The weight of her loss felt all-consuming whenever it hit me — which was often, given how many of my daily routines had once included her. I couldn’t bring myself to dump out the water in “her” glass on my nightstand, so it stayed put for months until it evaporated. When anyone asked how I was coping, I was shocked at how fresh the pain still felt.

Though it felt like it at the time, I wasn’t alone in feeling my grief so deeply — or in being surprised by how hard it hit me.

When Emily Patton’s 8-year-old English Setter Winston died of cancer, she says the intense grief rocked her. “We grieved Winston harder and continue to grieve him harder than any family member that has passed in our lives,” Emily says. “Winston was a part of every routine. We had built our entire lives around him and when we no longer had him, we felt like we had to relearn who we were without him.”

For Shannon Feretich, losing her dog Page was also the most painful loss she had ever experienced. “The axis of my world will forever be slightly off and the pain of knowing she's not on this earth with me will forever stay with me,” she says.

Pet loss grief is a disenfranchised grief, explains veterinarian, Fetch Veterinary Advisory Board member and founder of the Pet Loss Community Dr. Monica Tarantino. “There's an expectation unfortunately in society that it should be something that doesn't hurt as much as it does, and that's really just not the experience for a lot of pet parents who lose a pet.” Research has found that pet owners who experience the death of a beloved family pet may experience feelings of grief and loss synonymous with the death of a human, and that disenfranchised grief from pet loss can lead to increased distress and reduced quality of life. “It really is a life event that just doesn't get the attention that it needs,” Dr. Tarantino says.

Three years ago, she decided to give it that attention, hosting an Instagram Live alongside veterinarian Dr. Lisa Lippman and clinical psychologist Dr. Katie Lawlor. “One of the the most difficult aspects of grief, whether it's anticipatory or pet loss, is that it's so isolating, both in the sense that a lot of people in your life are not currently experiencing it, or may not have that same bond with an animal that's so they are not aware of how it really feels,” she says. We realized once we had that Instagram Live, that people are hurting. They need a place to go.”

That place became the Pet Loss Community, a community with free resources, one-on-one support from grief specialists, and two types of Zoom meetups — one for pet loss grief and another for anticipatory grief. “We have a lot of pet parents with pets that have gotten a prognosis like one to three months to live, and they have no idea during that time when things are going to get worse,” explains Dr. Tarantino. “Living with that unknown about someone who has been your constant companion is really, really challenging.”

Christa Velbel, who’s part of PLC’s anticipatory pet loss support group, is grateful for the opportunity to talk to people who understand this specific type of grief as she cares for her eight-year-old dog Odyss. “Odyss’s cancer diagnosis crushed my heart. It’s so hard to manage the fear—is this a bad sign of the cancer progressing or is he okay today? Is this new lump a metastasis? What does metastasis mean in terms of palliative care and life expectancy? When will I need to make the call to let him go?”

Winston’s mom Emily recalls experiencing anticipatory grief when her vet estimated Winston had three months to live. “I felt as if I had lost Winston in that very moment,” she says. “I felt like I couldn't leave him for any amount of time. I began analyzing every move he would make. I started visualizing when and how his death would happen. I felt guilt every time I left for work. I constantly said final goodbyes every time I had to leave the house. I withdrew from social settings and couldn't commit to future plans. I felt like Winston was dead even though he was still there next to me.”

Anticipatory grief can also come with caregiver fatigue — something our society is familiar with when it comes to caring for people who are ill, but that’s often forgotten when it comes to pets, Dr. Tarantino says. “When a big part of someone’s day is caring for their pet and giving them a reasonable quality of life, their emotional, physical, and mental health can suffer because they're prioritizing caring for their best friend.”

That rings true for Christa. “I struggle not to let my emotions overwhelm me. Because going into caregiver mode was absolutely essential. I’m still struggling to live with and accept and process my emotions while getting the job done.” PLC helps with that process. “Listening to others’ experiences and sharing sad but appreciative time — I’m beyond grateful. There are smiles. And Odyss wants us to smile, always.”

Having a place to share has been a help to Emily, too. “You join a group of people who do not make you feel embarrassed for grieving your pet intensely,” she says. “Talking aloud to people willing and happy to listen makes such a difference. You aren't made to feel as if ‘it's just a dog’ or ‘shouldn't you be over that by now?’” 

“It's incredibly helpful to have a dedicated space to share my progress and struggles with a group of people who understand what this journey feels like,” Shannon says. “I love sharing stories about her and continue to talk about Page every single day.” I've tried to do everything I can to keep her spirit alive and came across a quote that will help guide me for the rest of my life, ‘Be the evidence that someone existed.’"